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Is Semper Si Pissed Or What!

     Last week Sheriff Simon Leis wrote a scathing letter to Hamilton County Commissioner P-P-P-Pat DeWhine:

Dear Commissioner DeWhine:

    Upon reflecting on our conversation of yesterday’s date, I now feel that your position on the jail issue is both unrealistic and unacceptable.

    On April 5th of this year, you and Commissioners Heimlich and Portune unanimously passed a resolution stating that in sixty days (by June 5, 2006), a funding mechanism would be established to fund the construction of a new 1800-bed jail facility which had been recommended by the very jail expert hired by the Hamilton County Commissioners. Now, you want to appoint a commission to review the recommendation of your own jail expert, a recommendation which has already cost the taxpayers one quarter of a million dollars. A review commission such as this makes no sense at all; they would not only not have the expertise but it would be nothing more than a study upon a study. You are the only person who questions the 1800-bed facility recommendation, which flies in the face of your own expert.

    No wonder Schnozzy Heimlick is sending this letter out to
everybody on his e-mail list!

     Maybe If DeWhiner wants to sell County Property to fund the new jail, he could try to sell the land under the court house to anyone willing to take it.

     With Hamilton County property owners anxiously awaiting the outcome of Beloved Whistleblower Publisher's Landmark Board of Revulsion Hearing, after the Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor's "certifiable" appraiser got caught with his contrived bureaucratic attempt to justify the Auditor's arbitrary 41% computer-generated increase, many outraged Hamilton County over-taxed payers have called to express their outrage. One such call came from Conservative Critic Will duRant IV's wife Emily:

    What's this I hear about the Hamilton County Auditor raising real steak values?

    How can a county auditor raise the value of ANYthing?

    Especially REAL STEAK?

    Raising the value of PLAIN steak would be bad enough, but raising the value of REAL steak, well, that's just WAY out of bounds.

    I mean, just look around. Where's the REAL steak?

    Krogers? Nah. Steak & Shake? Hardly.

    For REAL steak you order from OMAHA Steaks ...

    ... and grill them yourself -- if you're BRAVE enough

    -- or you go someplace like Ruth's CRISS STEAK HOUSE and eat until your GUT blows up and you make a MESS all over EVERYthing.

    Either way, I just don't underSTAND how some county AUDITOR could even THINK it's his job to mess around with real steak values.

    I mean, if ONE two-bit government employee thinks he can just drive around and change real steak values right over the heads of the breeders and the wholesalers and the owners, then what's to stop ANOTHER two-bit government employee from doing the SAME THING?

    And if this continues, ALL of us are going to be in DEEP -- ah, oh, you know, the stuff that the ANIMALS they turn into real STEAK leave behind -- heh, snort, my little joke, snort -- um, leave behind on the trail-- you know, oh, okay, I'll SAY it: DO DO.

    High real steak values mean deep DO DO.

    And HIGHER real steak values mean DEEPER do do!

    Think about it! Doesn't it just make you MAD? I just can't STAND it anymore.

    Why, once they change real STEAK values they'll start on proper TEA. And higher proper TEA values would send SOME of us back to coffee!

    But have you looked at the price of a coffee at Starbucks lately?

    It's, why ... it's ... it's just about enough to....


    Not STEAK?

    Not real STEAK?

    Not real ESS take?!

    WHAT in name of the National BEEF Board are you TALKING about?




    Real esTATE.

    Real estate VALUES.

    REAL ESTATE values.


    Well [sniff].

    Never mind.

    - Emily Litella (Mrs. Will) duRANT IV

    Our good friend "Jaywalking Joe" Deters might still be getting rave revues from our Local Kneepad Liberals in the Press these days, but he's not doing so well north of I-275. See how the Old Jaywalker gets hammered in the Cleveland Pain Dealer blog.

    Our City Hall Snitch says, “In the still-developing Empowerment Corp. scandal involving Dale Mallory, the Mayor's brother, Howard Beatty, the shooter of Chewbacca Oba, George "Cockroach" Beatty, the business partner of race-baiter Mad Dog Lawson, why has the Fishwrap not yet mentioned Looney Laketa Cole’s role in the mess? She is, after all, the former "Public Relations Director and as Interim Director of Economic and Workforce Development" according to the city's own website.

    While we’re on the subject of total incompetence, why did it take the Fishwrap (as bad as we know it is) to point out Cincinnati has 100 times as many lead poisoning cases as any neighboring community? Maybe if you took a look at who is in charge of protecting Cincinnati children from lead poisioning by scum landlords, you’d have a clue.

    With only 86 more days till the 50th Reunion, members of the Forrest Gump High School Class of 1956 are all talking about that $3 gazillion intersection planned for Beechmont and Five Mile. Nobody would figure out how continuous flow left turn lanes without interfering with oncoming traffic would work, so we asked the fine folks at the Anderson Township Government Center, and Betty Cowan e-mailed this link.

    Yesterday on the 55 WKRC morning show, our good friend Bobby Leach got in a few more Rush Limpboy zingers, especially the one about how Rush gets up for his show. BTW, a "quintigenerian quipster" is a joker whose best jokes are as old as he is.

Bluegrass Boner Boosters

    Michael Liquid Plummer says in Ft. Mitchell, on Sunday at 11:00 am, you can buy a quart of vodka and a can of tomato juice at Kroger's, but you can't get a Bloody Mary with brunch at the Greyhound Tavern. Fourth class cities have the power to regulate the hours in which alcohol may be sold "at retail." City attorney Rob "My Dad is Wil" Ziegler thinks that the word "retail" translates to "package." Adjoining cities of Ft. Wright and Crescent Springs have already changed their ordinances. Ft. Mitchell is more worried about how to distribute flags prior to the 4th of July parade.

Today's edition is brought to you by a generous donation from the the Heimlick Campaign, for publishing the Sheriff’s
Hit Piece on DeWhiner!

Now award-winning illustrator Artis Conception shows us his punch line for the
Rush Limpboy Viagra joke

e-mail your phony prescriptions to whistleblower@cinci.rr.com.

Links of the Day
American Gladiators